Wednesday, November 25, 2009
everyday..where ever we go we see people..and all that we recognize of them is the smile that reflects on their faces..sometimes out of acquaintance and sometimes just out of reflex..i go to school everyday..and every morning i meet people whom i dont know by name or as a friend..but yet just the sense of belonging to he same place gives you a peculiar feeling that they are an integral part of your life..
never do we stop and talk..but yet the day seems incomplete without that smile..nobody knows what their day is going to be like..and in such conditions just a smiling face,even of someone we dont know can send a vibe of positivity into your soul...
this week has shown me the significance of such people in life..
2 days ago..a friend of mine..someone i shared my lunch with everyday..someone i shared my projects with..she had to be hospitalized..i felt a shiver down my spine when i came to know about this revelation..it reflected the uncertainty of life..one day u r with the person and the other day u r helpless..praying for her recovery as soon as possible..
just when u think that u are in control of ur life..it slips away like sand from ur hand..
the day seemed to be normal..
till the time the news of an accident came by..she was the prefect of the school..everyday i smiled at her during the assembly and she smiled back..
just 3 days ago..i had clicked her snap with one of our common friends and 3 days later i hear that she has had an accident..
i dont know her..but yet something distracted my mind..my thoughts floated to her..
the moments we had shared together out of the mere coincidence of being in the same place at the same time..
i was desperate to know how she was..and i felt relieved only when i was sure that she is out of danger..
that is what life is all about..
and the biggest misconception about any mishap is that it cant happen to me or to anybody i know..well it transpires that anything can happen..to people i know..and to me as well..
Saturday, October 31, 2009
i cudnt hav cared any less till yesterday about phyan..but today when i decided to skip my coaching to meet some moments of solitude and bliss i found myself amidst my own version of the phyan n definitely more important to me..
1 and a half years ago..
the house was in turmoil..
the reason obvious..
the most important day of my life wasnt seeming as important to me..my board results...
94% did not sound bad to me..its was much more than what i had expected from myself..little did i know its aftermaths..
i was on top of the world..i kept saying to myself.."ur not born to take the beaten track..ur gona do it different."...strike 1!!!but yes i still believe i have made you proud..i know ur looking and i know u will be proud of my result..
thats when it all began..class 11th was the doom of me..i couldnt really get over the board hangover..i thot.."cummon calm down..u hav jz given the board..what do u think u r?? a monster..hav fun..the time is now..."strike 2!!!
i messd up my half yearlys in 11th..most of my classmates did..i tried recovering and well..managed ok if not gud...
class 12th...i knew this was the most vital year..i had planned studying big time..unfortunately most times plans just remain "plans"..yet..i came 6th in my comparitivs..with a 72%.what i didnt realize is that it wasnt that i had done gud..the others had done bad..n that pretty much stole away all the credit from me..ignorant of this fact i thot im all set for everythind...strike 3!!!
all of that and jaundice combined into disaster...2nd comparitivs..72%remained where it was..but rank turned into 23rd..
my confidence crumpled to the ground..uncertainty surrounded me like air..silent but always around me..sometimes even dominating over all other senses..treading me into deep trances and dreadful images of the future..i was and am completely lost..
i dont know what is going to become of me..all my dreams seem to be fading away..into the fast moving and circling airs of confusion..it seems as though everything i had thought was for someone else..i feel that all that i will manage is some b grade course in a c grade college and thats it..every dream is now a nightmare..every hope now a burden..every expectation now a curse..i wonder when this cyclone will cease..not till the time i get selected somewhere..anywhere...
phyan is raging today..will be forgotten tomorrow..but this cyclone is within me..nobody knows and nobody will..but i am afraid it would have devastated enough by the time its gone...
Monday, September 28, 2009
but why?why should we expect anyone to be as we want them to?it becomes very difficult for anybody to fit into the mold of our expectations..taking an example..if you are standing on top of a ten floor building then even a nine floor building would appear small to you..not because the building isnt tall but because of your perspective of things..
most of the times it is our expectations that create the problem in our lives..we in our expectations seem to overlook the qualities of the people we love..it is but human to expect but it isnt necessary that all our expectations are fulfilled..
what we must try and understand is that when there is someone in our lives we love very dearly..could be anyone..our parents,siblings,friends or spouses then it is not only their qualities that we love..we were not given the option of loving selectively by god..when we love somebody we should own their faults as readily as we own their qualities..their faults are as much a part of their personality as their good traits..nobody was born perfect..learning is an essential phase of life..we learn as we grow..and it is our moral duty as humans to help each other to become better..and if we try and think about it then we shall realize that it is adversity and imperfection that bring people closer..trying to understand and amend each others faults is one of the essentials of a relationship..summing up with these lines
all night i was lost in deep thought,
over the things i love in you and those i love not,
and after thinking all this while,
i told myself that i love your smile,
i love the stammer in your voice,
and your indecision when you have to make a choice,
i love the way you hold my hand,
when the tension is too much for you to stand,
and somewhere in my heart below,
why i love you i had started to know,
you qualities, yes i do adore,
but it is your faults that make me love you more...
Friday, September 18, 2009
THROUGH THE GLASSES OF MY OLD AGE.
how long i have lived i cannot say,
i cannot count how many times i have seen the day,
to be short its been very very long,
though my mind is weak yet my memory is strong.
when i look back as far as i can see in time,
i can say life's been good,if not sublime.
i remember the hamlet of my childhood days,
the mango trees,the epic plays,
the grassy fields and the dirty fens,
and the little lads i called my friends.
i remember the mud walls of our house,
and the feline traind to catch the mouse.
i have seen my father work on the field,
and slept meal less when the crop didn't yield,
i have passed the school after sleepless nights,
and stared astonished at the town's sights.
i have worked overtime and accepted low pay,
i have woken all night and slept all day,
i have raised our status and made them proud,
i have screamed and cried and laughed out loud.
i have sinned all sins known to man,
i have planned and i have failed to plan.
i have listened to the fairer when she did prod,
for i am but the man and not the God,
i have loved,betrayed and been betrayed,
i have seen love grow and seen it fade,
i married the girl who stood by my side,
she was my weakness and my source of pride,
i have seen my love when it was immensely strong,
and other times when we didn't know whether we should go on.
i have seen two new lives in front of my eyes,
i have laughed their laughs and cried their cries,
i have taught them to walk and taught them to speak,
i have slept by their side when they were weak.
i have seen them learn and seen them grow,
i have seen them come and seen them go.
i have seen my lady go through unbearable pain,
and have seen all the medication go in vain,
and after her life has been all lost,
and life costs more than death would cost.
but i have learned to come to terms with loss,
and learned to smile when life is gross.
and looking back on life i feel no regret,
on things i have lost and the things i didn't get.
i have reaped every seed that i had sown,
and from my failures i have grown.
and now when i have come of age,
as he said the world has been a stage,
a journey full of astonish and surmise,
of expectation,grief,hope and surprise.
of every gain you pay a price,
and nostalgically i do realize,
that i have been the friend,the foe,the sinner and the sage,
when i look back through the glasses of my old age..
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
how many times have you asked someone-"who is your inspiration?" and received answers like mahatma gandhi,mother teresa and other known names?innumerable times,i am sure..
with due respect to all the people mentioned above, if you ask me that question you wouldn't receive an answer like that..i believe in more of reality.i am inspired by someone more close to me,more near and more dear..
he is 87 years old..he lives with me in my house..his skin reflects his age..and his wrinkles are more to me than just a sign of his age..they are a mark of the innumerable troubles he faced in his life..i respect him more than i have ever respected any1..he is my guide..i call him babaji..
since the time i have the faintest of memories..when life was not so complex..i have memories of my grandfather..he looks exactly the same as he did ten years ago..i have always been close to him..but with the years passing by..the fondness has turned into a deep rooted respect..
i remember how i ate from his plate when i was small..since i know he has been very quiet..but whenever he speaks it is always about something that teaches us a lesson.most of the things i know today..about life..about people are a result of prolonged conversations with him.i have never hesitated to talk to him..he somehow falls into my sphere of comfort completely.i wouldn't hesitate to say that i talk to him more than i talk to mom and dad..because he has seen so much in life..and i am just an amateur..the age difference never comes between us..
it amazes me how he does all his work himself.and he doesn't like to depend on anybody for his work..he is more active than any of the people of his age..
just how attached i am to him makes me very happy to be with him..in not such an old incident..i was upset about an argument i had with mom and couldn't hold back during breakfast..he never said anything at that time..but 4-5 hours later when i was leaving from my coaching, i saw tears rolling from his eyes..at first i didnt understand..but then he said-"tumhe kya laga?tum rogi aur ham dekh lenge?"..i couldnt help feel helpless and happy at that moment..just the thought that he was so concerned overwhelmed me..and like many times before i thanked god for giving me such a beautiful family of which he was the root..i thanked my stars that i had him..and while i was thanking god i didn't realize when i choked and when the water filled my eyes..i just patted his hand and left..i didnt have to say anything..silence communicated our feelings the best..
today as i write this i feel very fortunate to have such a lovely family..everybody holds a special place in my heart..and im lucky to have everyone..of the 1% inspiration..while 60% is occupied by the rest of the family..40% is grandpa..though i have tried my best but the admiration i have for him cannot be written down in one page..it is inexplicable..
i am fortunate to have u babaji..thank u for being my friend..my philosopher..my guide..
thank u for being my inspiration..
Saturday, September 5, 2009
life..that is probably the hardest word to define..the dictionary meaning is not enough for satisfaction..frankly..most people pass their whole life and still cant find any precise answer to this question..maybe because there isnt any answer..life is different to everybody..the definition of life depends on the perspective of a person..to the optimist its a path of learning..to the pessimist its a painful sojourn..to the escapist its a reason to die..
i have never been an escapist..atleast i dont think so..since the time i gained consciousness of the world and the people around me..i have had few reasons to complain..a wonderful family..and good people to live with..but i wouldnt deny being a pessimist at times..but mostly i am an optimist..the times that i did go into the pessimist tendency was when i went through huge changes in my life..
y am i writing all this..?that is somethin im sure most people would be wondering..because today is one such day..a change has happened..a very significant one in my life..someone dear has just left home..
we have never really been the typical type of siblings..we never spoke to each other about serious,relevant and deep issues apart from studies..we have had our share of fights..nasty ones too..but in the past few years that had sucumbed..and though i never told you about my problems,i sumhow have the feeling you always figured out..i dont know how!!we never really told each other things like-"im there",but it was always evident..we never really said that we are fond of each other.but that is alright to me..because i hav always believed that words limit emotions..
the past few days..i cannot forget how we made "suji" at 12 in the night..i cannot forget how u played the guitar and asked me to sing(terribly out of scale)..i cannot forget how u grinned at the thought of me fainting aftr my blood test..i cannot forget how after just looking at me u said-"arrey!!tum to phool gayi ho"..i cannot forget how we got hungry at the same time always..and i know i couldnt have said all this to you..and maybe if you think the same u would hav never said it to me..but again..words limit emotions..
i had become so used to that "rabbit teeth smile" of yours..it feels weird when u arnt around..even if you hardly said anything..this post is specially dedicated to u bhai..
so..wherever u are..know this..my best wishes are with you..all the best for ur goa venture..moms n dads blessings are with you..
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
LIFE GOES ON AND TIME MOVES BY...
life goes on and time moves by,
and trobles arent here to stay,
for after every darkest night,
always comes the brightest day.
nothing can be so big and bad,
such that man cannot face,
and those who give up the hope,
have already lost the race.
in bad times only half will trust you,
and against you will be the other half,
be up,be going and make your efforts,
and you are sure to have the last laugh.
giving up should never be an option,
because success and failure is not in our hands,
but we must kep faith and move ahead,
and do what our duty demands.
ups and downs are bound to come,
like the inevitable day and night,
and the darkness should be faced with the same confidence,
with which we face sunlight.
so spread your wings and fly my friend,
and you are sure to teach the sky,
never lose hope and trust yourself,
for life goes on and time moves by...