cyclones..

today..as a cyclone ravages the southern parts of india i sit here undeterred by its implications..nevertheless..it doesnt mean there isnt a cyclone here..everyday everywhere millions of cyclones take birth..not on topographies but in minds and hearts...

i cudnt hav cared any less till yesterday about phyan..but today when i decided to skip my coaching to meet some moments of solitude and bliss i found myself amidst my own version of the phyan n definitely more important to me..


1 and a half years ago..
20th may..
the house was in turmoil..
the reason obvious..
the most important day of my life wasnt seeming as important to me..my board results...
94% did not sound bad to me..its was much more than what i had expected from myself..little did i know its aftermaths..

i was on top of the world..i kept saying to myself.."ur not born to take the beaten track..ur gona do it different."...strike 1!!!but yes i still believe i have made you proud..i know ur looking and i know u will be proud of my result..

thats when it all began..class 11th was the doom of me..i couldnt really get over the board hangover..i thot.."cummon calm down..u hav jz given the board..what do u think u r?? a monster..hav fun..the time is now..."strike 2!!!

i messd up my half yearlys in 11th..most of my classmates did..i tried recovering and well..managed ok if not gud...

class 12th...i knew this was the most vital year..i had planned studying big time..unfortunately most times plans just remain "plans"..yet..i came 6th in my comparitivs..with a 72%.what i didnt realize is that it wasnt that i had done gud..the others had done bad..n that pretty much stole away all the credit from me..ignorant of this fact i thot im all set for everythind...strike 3!!!

all of that and jaundice combined into disaster...2nd comparitivs..72%remained where it was..but rank turned into 23rd..

my confidence crumpled to the ground..uncertainty surrounded me like air..silent but always around me..sometimes even dominating over all other senses..treading me into deep trances and dreadful images of the future..i was and am completely lost..
i dont know what is going to become of me..all my dreams seem to be fading away..into the fast moving and circling airs of confusion..it seems as though everything i had thought was for someone else..i feel that all that i will manage is some b grade course in a c grade college and thats it..every dream is now a nightmare..every hope now a burden..every expectation now a curse..i wonder when this cyclone will cease..not till the time i get selected somewhere..anywhere...

phyan is raging today..will be forgotten tomorrow..but this cyclone is within me..nobody knows and nobody will..but i am afraid it would have devastated enough by the time its gone...