goodbyes...

the moon seemed different in the night sky today,
its seemed that to me it had many things to say,
when i should have been asleep, i lay wide awake,
my throat tightening as if i would break,
i thought of the time i had spent in this place,
and memories started occurring at a slow pace,
i had cursed things and yet loved them in some way,
experienced joys and seen dismays,
i had loved my moms eyes when shed scold,
i had sipped up boiling coffees in days of cold,
i had made friends on the way and learned to forgive,
i had found so many new reasons to live,
i had learned what it is to love and what it is to lose,
i had met people simple and met people abstruse,
looking back on what i had i felt strangely joyed,
and found myself smiling at the things that had once annoyed,
and yet i knew from this place i would soon go apart,
and this painful feeling broke my little heart,
and before i knew a tear rolled down my cheek,
and amidst all the nostalgia i started feeling weak,
those friends and mates and places would soon become the past,
and it seems almost unfair that time has gone so fast,
and all those familiar faces will soon be gone,
and all that will be left are memories alone,
how will i then console,how will i then deny,
that all those familiar faces have already said goodbye....

Unfulfilled passions...

If every dream could be fulfilled, no man in this world would be dejected...

Dreams, aspirations, passions alter from person to person. some dream of being a ritu kumar and some a barkha dutt. bur does everyone get ther? hardly...

The common person of today though does not confine his passions to particular fields.
many people have a broad spectrumed liking ranging from nature photography to salsa dancing.

but the hard truth is is that most or sometimes even all the passions take a backseat as the practical man takes over..
if only passions could feed!!!

Potential presley's end up not playing but facing the music in conference rooms..
Potential tharoor's end up not tweeting but sweating to meet deadlines...

who on this earth good at something would not have wanted to do it for the rest of his life??
but in the end the person who moves forward is totally different..
the person who loves song,dance or say photography is left behind and surfaces only in moments of solitude which are hard to find in todays world.

eho knows if those potential talents could possibly have left the stalwarts behind but could never gather courage to tread the unorthodox path...

mostly everyone ends up a changed person, doing something that his nonchalant childhood determined to fulfill his passion might never have imagined and then their statement "i am satisfied" seems just relative to the people who pursued their passions and failed because man is accustomed to accepting his defeat by comparing himself to failures..

and then it just gives a wee bit of consolation to think that our passions remained unfulfilled by our choice......

memories..

Today as i begin to write this,i am not sure how to start.i am falling short of words and overflowing with emotions.to not put this phase of life into words would somehow seem wrong,almost sinful and so i make an attempt to put whatevr i feel into black n white.

These days,i try my best to take the road which passes from the front of the cream coloured structure ,and when i do,i close my eyes and in an instant i am there..surrounded by the hustle and bustle of my school.
the morning breeze settled on my hair forcing me to close my eyes a s i took in the pleasantness it induced.all of ur reluctantly headed towards the assembly hall and as we did we thot abt the day 2 come.it gave us something to do while the assembly progressd.
neatly gathered in rows we looked more like a army trrop ready to head for battle and if not precisely it was vaguely what we were.young inexperienced children marching ahead towards our carrer...
the day which followed was monotonous,with the pleasant breeze being replaced either by chilly winds or withering sunshine,none of which were as pleasant as the former.
sitting in the classes some listened,some saw and some slept as the teachers went abt their lectures with impeccable perfection.
the lunch break was characterized by innumerable groups giggling around.the ones who didnt stand in groups were couples so blinded in their "love" that they dind see what was coming their way...
everyone had blended so perfectly to this routine that life now seems incomplete.

Just the small things we took for granted.getting to meet our friends everyday,our teachers,everything
the day the boards were ovr i at once knew that evrything was-the breeze,the giggles,the small mercies,evrything.....
this thought overwhelms me and whe i open my eyes i realize that i have left the school far behind,on the road and in my life as well and yet my thoughts lingered to it...it was after all the place which taught me frienship,taught me love and gave me a vision in life..and most of al gave me people i cud look up to in the form of teachers.
it made me what i am and yet i feel i have more to learn and i long to enter those premises again.stand at the water cooler and char endlessly.i dont want to be given the tag of an ex-student,cant i just always remain a student without any prefixes?
all these questions swerve in my head as i smile to myself and get ready to statr the next part of my life already awrae that it couldnt be as beautiful as my past.
i love the life i led at school.
i love my school snd i will always take any road which,if cannot take me back to school,can atleast let me pass by it so that i can close my eyes and live it all over again.....

it can happen to me.....

this world has a population of around 6 billion...where ever you see there are people..some that we know and some that we dont..and others are people who we know just by their smiles..

everyday..where ever we go we see people..and all that we recognize of them is the smile that reflects on their faces..sometimes out of acquaintance and sometimes just out of reflex..i go to school everyday..and every morning i meet people whom i dont know by name or as a friend..but yet just the sense of belonging to he same place gives you a peculiar feeling that they are an integral part of your life..

never do we stop and talk..but yet the day seems incomplete without that smile..nobody knows what their day is going to be like..and in such conditions just a smiling face,even of someone we dont know can send a vibe of positivity into your soul...

this week has shown me the significance of such people in life..

2 days ago..a friend of mine..someone i shared my lunch with everyday..someone i shared my projects with..she had to be hospitalized..i felt a shiver down my spine when i came to know about this revelation..it reflected the uncertainty of life..one day u r with the person and the other day u r helpless..praying for her recovery as soon as possible..

just when u think that u are in control of ur life..it slips away like sand from ur hand..

and today..
the day seemed to be normal..
till the time the news of an accident came by..she was the prefect of the school..everyday i smiled at her during the assembly and she smiled back..
just 3 days ago..i had clicked her snap with one of our common friends and 3 days later i hear that she has had an accident..
i dont know her..but yet something distracted my mind..my thoughts floated to her..
the moments we had shared together out of the mere coincidence of being in the same place at the same time..

i was desperate to know how she was..and i felt relieved only when i was sure that she is out of danger..

that is what life is all about..

and the biggest misconception about any mishap is that it cant happen to me or to anybody i know..well it transpires that anything can happen..to people i know..and to me as well..

cyclones..

today..as a cyclone ravages the southern parts of india i sit here undeterred by its implications..nevertheless..it doesnt mean there isnt a cyclone here..everyday everywhere millions of cyclones take birth..not on topographies but in minds and hearts...

i cudnt hav cared any less till yesterday about phyan..but today when i decided to skip my coaching to meet some moments of solitude and bliss i found myself amidst my own version of the phyan n definitely more important to me..


1 and a half years ago..
20th may..
the house was in turmoil..
the reason obvious..
the most important day of my life wasnt seeming as important to me..my board results...
94% did not sound bad to me..its was much more than what i had expected from myself..little did i know its aftermaths..

i was on top of the world..i kept saying to myself.."ur not born to take the beaten track..ur gona do it different."...strike 1!!!but yes i still believe i have made you proud..i know ur looking and i know u will be proud of my result..

thats when it all began..class 11th was the doom of me..i couldnt really get over the board hangover..i thot.."cummon calm down..u hav jz given the board..what do u think u r?? a monster..hav fun..the time is now..."strike 2!!!

i messd up my half yearlys in 11th..most of my classmates did..i tried recovering and well..managed ok if not gud...

class 12th...i knew this was the most vital year..i had planned studying big time..unfortunately most times plans just remain "plans"..yet..i came 6th in my comparitivs..with a 72%.what i didnt realize is that it wasnt that i had done gud..the others had done bad..n that pretty much stole away all the credit from me..ignorant of this fact i thot im all set for everythind...strike 3!!!

all of that and jaundice combined into disaster...2nd comparitivs..72%remained where it was..but rank turned into 23rd..

my confidence crumpled to the ground..uncertainty surrounded me like air..silent but always around me..sometimes even dominating over all other senses..treading me into deep trances and dreadful images of the future..i was and am completely lost..
i dont know what is going to become of me..all my dreams seem to be fading away..into the fast moving and circling airs of confusion..it seems as though everything i had thought was for someone else..i feel that all that i will manage is some b grade course in a c grade college and thats it..every dream is now a nightmare..every hope now a burden..every expectation now a curse..i wonder when this cyclone will cease..not till the time i get selected somewhere..anywhere...

phyan is raging today..will be forgotten tomorrow..but this cyclone is within me..nobody knows and nobody will..but i am afraid it would have devastated enough by the time its gone...

expectations..

i have often wondered..what is it about relationships which makes them so complex?is it love,hope hate or what..every time the conclusion i get to is that more often than not it is the expectations that gets the better of people..

but why?why should we expect anyone to be as we want them to?it becomes very difficult for anybody to fit into the mold of our expectations..taking an example..if you are standing on top of a ten floor building then even a nine floor building would appear small to you..not because the building isnt tall but because of your perspective of things..

most of the times it is our expectations that create the problem in our lives..we in our expectations seem to overlook the qualities of the people we love..it is but human to expect but it isnt necessary that all our expectations are fulfilled..

what we must try and understand is that when there is someone in our lives we love very dearly..could be anyone..our parents,siblings,friends or spouses then it is not only their qualities that we love..we were not given the option of loving selectively by god..when we love somebody we should own their faults as readily as we own their qualities..their faults are as much a part of their personality as their good traits..nobody was born perfect..learning is an essential phase of life..we learn as we grow..and it is our moral duty as humans to help each other to become better..and if we try and think about it then we shall realize that it is adversity and imperfection that bring people closer..trying to understand and amend each others faults is one of the essentials of a relationship..summing up with these lines


all night i was lost in deep thought,
over the things i love in you and those i love not,
and after thinking all this while,
i told myself that i love your smile,
i love the stammer in your voice,
and your indecision when you have to make a choice,
i love the way you hold my hand,
when the tension is too much for you to stand,
and somewhere in my heart below,
why i love you i had started to know,
you qualities, yes i do adore,
but it is your faults that make me love you more...

through the glasses of old age..

my over active imagination often catches hold of me..just yesterday..when i was sitting back..i began wondering how it would feel to be old..what would be the thoughts of a man who has seen so much of life..what would be the thoughts that cross their minds when they look back and i came up with this...


THROUGH THE GLASSES OF MY OLD AGE.

how long i have lived i cannot say,
i cannot count how many times i have seen the day,
to be short its been very very long,
though my mind is weak yet my memory is strong.
when i look back as far as i can see in time,
i can say life's been good,if not sublime.
i remember the hamlet of my childhood days,
the mango trees,the epic plays,
the grassy fields and the dirty fens,
and the little lads i called my friends.
i remember the mud walls of our house,
and the feline traind to catch the mouse.

i have seen my father work on the field,
and slept meal less when the crop didn't yield,
i have passed the school after sleepless nights,
and stared astonished at the town's sights.

i have worked overtime and accepted low pay,
i have woken all night and slept all day,
i have raised our status and made them proud,
i have screamed and cried and laughed out loud.
i have sinned all sins known to man,
i have planned and i have failed to plan.

i have listened to the fairer when she did prod,
for i am but the man and not the God,
i have loved,betrayed and been betrayed,
i have seen love grow and seen it fade,
i married the girl who stood by my side,
she was my weakness and my source of pride,
i have seen my love when it was immensely strong,
and other times when we didn't know whether we should go on.

i have seen two new lives in front of my eyes,
i have laughed their laughs and cried their cries,
i have taught them to walk and taught them to speak,
i have slept by their side when they were weak.
i have seen them learn and seen them grow,
i have seen them come and seen them go.

i have seen my lady go through unbearable pain,
and have seen all the medication go in vain,
and after her life has been all lost,
and life costs more than death would cost.
but i have learned to come to terms with loss,
and learned to smile when life is gross.

and looking back on life i feel no regret,
on things i have lost and the things i didn't get.
i have reaped every seed that i had sown,
and from my failures i have grown.
and now when i have come of age,
as he said the world has been a stage,
a journey full of astonish and surmise,
of expectation,grief,hope and surprise.
of every gain you pay a price,
and nostalgically i do realize,
that i have been the friend,the foe,the sinner and the sage,
when i look back through the glasses of my old age..